The truth about God and The one true history of Earth

Once upon a time, far, far away God was getting sick of listening to angels playing the harp all day. And it was bleak and drowsy Sunday in autumn.
"God I'm bored", God muttered to himself.
Then he thought let me call Jesus and see what he is up to, maybe he'd like to play a game of cards. So he grabbed his mobile phone and dialled Jesus. No answer, then the voice-mail kicked in. "Jesus can't answer your call at the moment. Leave you name and number, and he'll call you back when he returns from his fishing trip."
"Damn!", God cried out. And Peter wasn't available either, of course, he had to guard the main gate. "No one wants to play with me. It's always the same lame excuses."
Moments passed. Maybe. Maybe Satan would provide him with some entertainment, he thought. But that made his palms sweaty. He wasn't on really good terms with Satan. So God paced around the High Heavens for a while.
"Oh what the fuck", he exclaimed.
He dialled the number of Satan, and got answer almost right away.
"Yeah, hey Satan, it's me God." he started. "I know I've been really nice to you lately, but, well you see, I'm really bored... and I was wondering if..."
"Who the hell do you think I am?" Satan roared through the phone. In German, because that's the best language to shout in. But it didn't trick God at all, his omniscience translated it to plain English without effort . "First you outcast me, and now you would like me to share a couple of lost souls with you?! You want me to send over a couple of prostitutes whom you first refused entrance to heaven? No. Fucking. Way"
"But..., I am really sorry about..." God started. But then Satan terminated the call.
"Now what," God sighed.
I guess that leaves nothing for me to do than a bit of reading, God thought. So he went to the library, which was stacked with millions of books, most of which he had read already. Then his eyes fell on a particular book on the top shelf. It was dusty, but after he blew the dust away, he could read the title. "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". God had heard some good stuff about it so he gave it a try.
After reading in it for an hour or two, he suddenly got this great idea. The book proposed an experiment run by mice to find the ultimate answer to the question of life, the universe and everything. It involved creating a planet.
I can do that, He thought. Yeah that'd be great fun.
And so it was done. God snapped his fingers a few times and got himself a nice little planet around some deserted sun. He named it Earth. A few more snaps an there was life on it too. Puny little critters called humans. So-called intelligent creatures. But they didn't know Jack Shit, really. He topped it all off by creating a nice little moon that'd circle around it.
So the planet run for a while and lots of weird stuff happened. Wars, famine, disease. And God was having a great time.
But then he felt some guilt running down his spine, abusing the life of all these creatures just for his enjoyment. So he thought it was necessary to give them a little explanation about why he created them. He created some papers and such and dropped them all over the planet like he would put salt on an egg.
The various peoples collected the papers and tried to interpret them. But their limit intelligence made that basically impossible. So the population was divided into many cults and sects, each proclaiming to serve the one and only god. And more war ensued. And so God's scheme to relieve his guilt failed.
He could not let them suffer in this way, so he needed a trick to convince them to unite.
Yes, that is it. He jumped with joy with his brilliant idea. And his idea was to create a common enemy.
"Hmmm, but who would be the common enemy?" he pondered.
"Aha."
And so he set forth and created a small group of people who had many different ideas. He called them Scientist. And like had gotten common on Earth he gave them names. The leader of the pack he named Charles, Charles Darwin. He had gotten the most controversial idea that life wasn't created but that some sort of miraculous 'evolution' process developed all those different critters.
God was laughing so hard while creating them, he nearly threw up. He put up a few more like Archimedes, Leonardo DaVinci, Galileo Galilei, each with different, contrived ideas about physics, biology, chemistry, astrology. All of course a load of bullshit, but that was beside the point.
They got on to the earth and tried to disseminate their ideas. And these scientists were even attracting some followers. The common people of course were really put off by these weird scientists and even some efforts were made to get rid of them. But ultimately this led to two new problems. These scientist got more and more followers, further limiting the effect of God's attempt at explaining his experiment. Also, the disputes between all the cults and sects only got worse.
"Now what. I can call Satan again, and ask him to fix." he muttered. "No no, that isn't a good idea, he'd only yell at me."
God started pacing the floor of his study again. Then his eye caught a glimpse of the book he had brought from the library. "Hmmm, maybe Douglas can help me."
So God sent out some angels to look up Douglas Adams.
One angel returned after half an hour or so.
"Where is he? Have you found him?" God yelled at the angel in a very nervous tone.
"I know where he is" the angel said softly. "But you won't like it, sir".
"Tell me, quick" God demanded.
"Well mr. Adams died a couple of years ago, sir".
"So he is in heaven I presume? A brilliant man like he would deserve that," God uttered rapturously.
"No. Not exactly, sir".
"Go on! Where is he"
"He was denied entrance into heaven, sir. He was an atheist, sir."
"He was a what?"
"He didn't believe in God, sir"
"And for that you will not get into heaven?"
"You made very clear that one is required to believe in You to be allowed entrance into heaven, sir."
"So where is he?"
"He is burning in hell, sir."
"Shit!" "Fuck!" "Goddamnit!" God started yelling until steam started to evaporate from his ears.
Time passed with god swearing like he never did before. "I am not going to call Satan. No Way!"
Hours later God had cooled down a bit. That was when he remembered the book he read. "That's it! An hyperspatial express route. Right through the Earth. That'll fix it. I'll put the request down at the planning office in Alpha Centauri right away."
And so it was done. It took a few years to complete while more wars raged on Earth and famine and disease killed many more of the humans resulting in a chaotic planet on the brink of self-destruction. When finally the Earth was completely demolished and the express route was opened for the public.

Written by Reverend Gavin Spearhead

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